I want to make sure that the world knows that the above photo depicts precisely how I look in a bikini.

In my grandest fantasy.

This post isn’t really about Prego Maternity Bathing Suits, but it might as well be. My youngest is 2, and I still feel like I might only find the perfect fit in a Liz Lange maternity swimsuit. (In my opinion, to still require a maternity suit when one’s youngest is 2 really isn’t anything to be embarrassed about. But to be completely honest, the youngest of my children that came out of my body is 5 1/2. Almost 6. As they say, time flies. Too bad the result of all those 3 a.m. freezer raids doesn’t fly right along with it!)

Over the weekend, Jack, Grace and I went to T.J. Maxx in an attempt to find something for me to wear to upcoming book signings. They insisted on escorting me to the dressing room because, as Grace put it, “You need someone to let you know whether you should leave the house looking like that.”

The conversation after I put on each item was some variation of the following:

Grace: “Mom, that’s fantastic. You’ve got to get that.”

Jack: “Mom, I would not be caught dead in that if I were you.”

2 hours (and 3 shirts for Grace plus 4 for Jack later), I exited with nothing more in my own bag than a bathing suit. A lovely, navy blue Ralph Lauren 2-piece bathing suit. Which, when I tried it on, Jack said somewhat unconvincingly, “Yeah, I think you can get away with that.”

Listen, it’s been almost 6 years and I’m done with the skirted suits whether or not I should be.

The only problem with this lovely suit (beyond the fact that I can’t eat for 15 hours before donning it, nor can I bend over…at all…while wearing it for fear that the “twin skin” in my midsection will announce its o’mighty arrival) is that the straps sort of spontaneously detach from the suit. Which is, perhaps, why it was marked down to $25 from $150. But for that kind of a discount, I’ll take the risk.

Jack and Henry weren’t so excited about the odds that came with that risk.

As we prepared to head to the pool today, me standing so straight that I’m sure I actually grew a couple of inches while ordering others to tend to the 2-year-old when said tending required any degree of bend in my midsection, Jack said, “Mom, that top isn’t going to just pop off again while we’re at the pool, is it?”

“I hope not,” confessed Henry. “Because no one would appreciate that.”

Indeed.

*My next signing is on July 29th in Plano, TX at Legacy Books. Come see me, won’t you? If I can find nothing else, who knows, I may end up wearing the bikini!