red and blue flashing police lights

Yesterday morning, no more than two miles onto I-10, Grace panicked.

“Mom, there a truck right behind us. With red and blue flashing lights. This can’t be good.”

Indeed, I’d already spied said vehicle in my rearview mirror. Given that the speed limit was 65 and I was going 54, I briefly wondered if I was actually about to be cited for driving too slowly. Because that sort of scenario would be about right in my world on a Tuesday morning.

As I pulled onto the shoulder, Henry whipped his head around and declared, as though I were pulling over just for the fun of it, “Mom, there’s a cop behind you.”

“He’s a police officer, Henry. And, yes, I’m aware. Thank you.”

Extraordinarily concerned about his mother, Henry then professed, “Great. Mom’s going to go to jail. This is REALLY going to mess up my morning!”

As the officer approached the front right side window, Grace (who occupied the front passenger seat) adopted her “I don’t know what the right thing to do here is, so I’ll just turn into a statue” stance and simply stared straight ahead. Never moved. Never blinked. Never said a word.

Henry communicated his disgust with my impending arrest to George, who simply responded, never once looking up from his project, “Whatever. I’m writing a book.”

As it turned out, I was following the truck in front of me too closely. It’s true; I was. Because he was going 54 in a 65 mph zone. But it wasn’t terribly safe, and I was grateful for the reminder not only that I should keep more distance between myself and the car in front of me but also that the Driver’s Ed class in which I learned how many feet are supposed to be between myself and the car in front of me transpired a long time ago.

Like, when the officer said, “Do you remember from Driver’s Ed how many feet are supposed to be between you and the car in front of you?” my response was an astonished, “Really?”

That went over well.

As he sat in his vehicle checking my license and registration to ensure that I’m a legal citizen etc. (we are in Arizona, after all), Jack spoke up for the first time.

“Does he know who you are?”

Nope. Never met him.

“No, I mean does he know that you’re a famous author?”

I have never loved Jack more.

“Um, I don’t think so, no. He’s not exactly my target demographic from a reading standpoint. But somehow, by the end of this transaction, if Henry has any hand whatsoever in it, I’ve no doubt that this poor guy may very well know more about me than he ever wanted to know.”

As he presented me with my official warning, he asked Grace — who was still staring stoically out the front window with a Pottery Barn Teen catalog in her lap — what she was reading.

“Nothing,” she responded so quietly that I had to repeat it for him.

So there you have it.

Now, who knows how many feet should be between you and the person in front of you?

***

If you haven’t already, please check out the video in the sidebar about our project to raise enough money to provide 1,250 people in Africa with clean, safe drinking water through charity: water by Christmas, and consider the opportunity to contribute!

*Photo courtesy of Tome213

blue and white striped bikini

I want to make sure that the world knows that the above photo depicts precisely how I look in a bikini.

In my grandest fantasy.

This post isn’t really about Prego Maternity Bathing Suits, but it might as well be. My youngest is 2, and I still feel like I might only find the perfect fit in a Liz Lange maternity swimsuit. (In my opinion, to still require a maternity suit when one’s youngest is 2 really isn’t anything to be embarrassed about. But to be completely honest, the youngest of my children that came out of my body is 5 1/2. Almost 6. As they say, time flies. Too bad the result of all those 3 a.m. freezer raids doesn’t fly right along with it!)

Over the weekend, Jack, Grace and I went to T.J. Maxx in an attempt to find something for me to wear to upcoming book signings. They insisted on escorting me to the dressing room because, as Grace put it, “You need someone to let you know whether you should leave the house looking like that.”

The conversation after I put on each item was some variation of the following:

Grace: “Mom, that’s fantastic. You’ve got to get that.”

Jack: “Mom, I would not be caught dead in that if I were you.”

2 hours (and 3 shirts for Grace plus 4 for Jack later), I exited with nothing more in my own bag than a bathing suit. A lovely, navy blue Ralph Lauren 2-piece bathing suit. Which, when I tried it on, Jack said somewhat unconvincingly, “Yeah, I think you can get away with that.”

Listen, it’s been almost 6 years and I’m done with the skirted suits whether or not I should be.

The only problem with this lovely suit (beyond the fact that I can’t eat for 15 hours before donning it, nor can I bend over…at all…while wearing it for fear that the “twin skin” in my midsection will announce its o’mighty arrival) is that the straps sort of spontaneously detach from the suit. Which is, perhaps, why it was marked down to $25 from $150. But for that kind of a discount, I’ll take the risk.

Jack and Henry weren’t so excited about the odds that came with that risk.

As we prepared to head to the pool today, me standing so straight that I’m sure I actually grew a couple of inches while ordering others to tend to the 2-year-old when said tending required any degree of bend in my midsection, Jack said, “Mom, that top isn’t going to just pop off again while we’re at the pool, is it?”

“I hope not,” confessed Henry. “Because no one would appreciate that.”

Indeed.

*My next signing is on July 29th in Plano, TX at Legacy Books. Come see me, won’t you? If I can find nothing else, who knows, I may end up wearing the bikini!

bible image
The following is so absurd it leaves me speechless. And it leaves this post title-less.

Please keep in mind that we are not heathens. However David and I may be going to hell.

The kids had their first swim meet last Thursday night. It was held at the Y.

“What does ‘Y’ stand for?” asked Henry.

“It’s short for ‘YMCA’,” I answered, “which stands for Young Mens Christian Association.

“What’s Christian?” asked Henry.

Flabbergasted, I looked at Henry and asked, “Henry. What’s a Christian? A person who believes in — ?”

…wait for it…

“Fairy Tales!” chimed in George.

If you can think of a great title for this post, do let me know. I’m off to pray.

 

 

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